


Loneliness

by HetfieldsHair



Category: Rockman X | Mega Man X
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-11 17:47:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15977342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HetfieldsHair/pseuds/HetfieldsHair
Summary: You concern yourself with what love is for what you hope is the last time.





	Loneliness

You wondered why you even tried, then, lying sprawled across your bed with the bleakest of thoughts. You had finished your day's work, and taken a grand total of fifty-seven lives. Not one machine did you spare mercy to, as the only existence you cared about was hers.

And yet you wanted nothing more than to be away from her.

Love was a complicated emotion, to someone like yourself. You didn't understand it. You didn't understand why you forced yourself to take the relationship. And you didn't understand why she wanted you so badly. And yet you tossed it all to the wind, due to the ache in your core that demanded be filled.

But once filled, removing the plug was agonizing.

It was your sixth month with her, and you had just begun to think about things. After the excitement cooled down, and you started to have to separate for missions, to stop the new rise of power in a mysterious reploid that only calls himself James.

You no longer felt happy near her. Only sadness, that you would have to go, and then anxiety, in what would happen while you were gone.

She was friendly, excitable, and caring to anyone or anything, including yourself. You still didn't understand how anyone could love you. For you had no personality. You were a machine, where these new high-tech creations had thoughts, and rationality, and lives.

You only wanted to kill.

You wanted to rip limbs off with your bare hands, see your saber slice cleanly through an exposed joint, watch a crowd fall to your rakuhouha, and pick the survivors off with your buster.

You didn't want affection or caring, until Iris.

But your nature- your pride- made you kill the Colonel. Made you attack him, a man who only wanted to talk.

And then she, the first being you could even consider loving... you wailed on her until you could shatter her core, with a flurry of strikes and blows and fire and flames.

And when all settled, you felt remorse. But that didn't change anything. You had to watch her die, and you made it all worse by holding her. And she made it all worse, by feeling the same about you.

So now you sit, wounded in an entirely different way. You had been bisected, blown apart, dismembered, and maimed beyond all recognition, but it never hurt.

What could hurt you was emotion. Your one weakness.

Why would you ever love again?

Twenty years later, and you still weren't ready for it.

But she didn't understand such things, and so, you never spoke of them.

At first, her virgin simplicity, innocence, and caring were all the things you wanted, but as things progressed...

You stopped being able to stand it. You saw only stupidity where you saw simplicity, you see only foolishness where you saw innocence, and caring...

She didn't know enough to fully care.

She would have never loved you, if you didn't force her to.

You should have let her crush diminish and die, and let your feelings fade as well, but you made the mistake of telling her, educating her, on what it meant.

And you kissed her.

And everything was alright for a day.

For a week.

For a month.

The first night she was captured, is when you realized how pathetic it was to care about someone, and want to protect them. You could never do it. You couldn't even protect yourself.

Yet you brought her home. And you lied in bed. And embraced in one another until you were both messes, in attempt to be like the humans that cursed you with desire.

Every way you could show your love, physically, was gone, now. It lacked value. It was an act, and not even your words were true. But you didnt even trust yourself. For how could you feel like this, about someone you don't love?

It made no sense.

Was love only confusion, a blend of senses, and emotions?

And jealousy.

You saw the new recruits approach her, be friendly with her, do all they pleased, until you started getting complaints of the way they talked to her, and the way they tried to touch her.

So you started taking them on missions with you. Rather than take her, and spend time together, and console her, you put yourself first.

You almost killed one, after landing so many blows that their face had fallen off.

But that didn't solve it. It made the pain worse for you.

The Mavericks started the same way, after a while, and you knew no laws would be effecting their minds.

So she started staying inside.

And things were fine for a while.

And then you realized; this isn't what a relationship should feel like. You were more stressed over her than you had ever been over Sigma.

And then you were called up to the current front, where she was a continent away, and day and night, you were attacked. You couldn't go home, now. You knew you wouldn't lose, but all contact had been lost, and you couldn't contact her.

You sit with your own thoughts, for as long as you can, until wetness dabs your cheeks and you force yourself to stop and wipe it away, with large metal hands.

You had to tell her.

You had to make her know that you couldn't handle this.

Buy you would never bring yourself to.

You brought a hand to your helmet, and slowly removed it, placing it down on the drawer beside your charging station and rolling onto your side.

Sleep came quickly.

You forced yourself to shut down.


End file.
